Jiraiya's Update
by Aotaiyo Kaede
Summary: Exactly what the title says. Besides, messing with the Hidden Villages is fun! Set before Jiraiya's death. Warning: Some bad language. Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto nor the original text. I'd be a genius if I did. Which I'm not. One-shot.


**Welcome! Before I start, just want to let you know this is set **_**before**_** Jiraya's death, and yes, I know he is definitely dead. T.T M'kay, we good? Let's go!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto what-so-ever, and this text (the original stuff) is owned by John Cleese (from Fawlty Towers).**

**Warning: Bad language (once). Sorta. Sorry.**

* * *

Tsunade grumbled as she signed paperwork. Whoever invented this shit, she decided, was going to get hell. A small voice reminded her of the inconvenient fact that this person (or persons) was dead, but she violently shoved that little voice to the dark recesses of her mind.

A timid knock at her office door halted her furious scribbling. "Enter!" Tsunade commanded before she returned to her work and picked another piece of paper off the top of the waist-high pile. High-heeled feet daintily made their way across prior to a loud _thud_ that shook Tsunade's desk.

Tsunade warily raised her eyes and moaned in despair.

"Shizune… _whyyy?"_

Shizune was unperturbed by Tsunade's behaviour. "Because you are the Hokage, Tsunade-sama."

Oh, of _course_.

"This came for you, Tsunade-sama." Shizune handed her a sealed scroll addressed to 'Hokage-sama'.

Fuck her life.

Grudgingly, Tsunade took the scroll and unrolled it. Jiraya's messy scrawl greeted her probing eyes.

_Oh god no._

Tsunade began to read.

_**Konohagakure is feeling the pinch in relation to recent Akatsuki threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."**_

_**Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."**_

_**Konoha has not been "A Bit Cross" since the incident in the Second Shinobi War when sake supplies nearly ran out (thanks to a certain Slug Princess).**_

A vein throbbed painfully on Tsunade's forehead. _Just wait until I get my hands on you, you old codger, _she thought venomously.

_**Konoha has also had Akatsuki been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."**_

_**The last time Konoha issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in the Third Shinobi War, when threatened by the Iwagakure ANBU.**_

Another vein throbbed. _Can't he ever take these sorts of things seriously?_

_**Amegakure have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."**_

_**They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used as a battlefield by all the other Hidden Villages for the last three wars.**_

_**The Takigakure government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."**_

_**The only two higher levels in Taki are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."**_

_**The change in level was caused by a recent explosion (from machinery malfunctions) that destroyed Taki's kunai factory, effectively paralysing the village's military capability.**_

Tsunade snorted. _Good to see his sense of humour hasn't faded with time. _That same small voice suddenly commented- _Yes, what a shame that would be._

_**Kumogakure has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".**_

_**Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."**_

_**Iwagakure has increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."**_

_**They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."**_

Tsunade chuckled. _Think I might have to agree with you on that one._ The small voice replied _I was being sarcastic_.

_Dun' care._

_**Hoshigakure, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threats they are worried about are the other Hidden Villages planning to take their piece of magical rock.**_

_**Kirigakure is all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.**_

_**These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Kiri navy can get a really good look at the old Kiri navy.**_

A giggle escaped Tsunade's throat.

_**Sunagakure, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "They'll deal with it."**_

_**Two more escalation levels remain: "Damn! I think we'll need to cancel the BBQ this weekend!" and "The BBQ is cancelled."**_

_**So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.**_

Tsunade's giggles grew in volume until she was laughing her head off and pounding her fist on her desk.

* * *

Outside in the hallway, Shizune grinned to herself as she listened to Tsunade laugh. Jiraya sure knew how to cheer the grouchy Hokage up. Shizune then quickly trotted off to send Jiraya the news of his success with an oinking TonTon behind her.

* * *

…**That was not what I planned. Not at all. Ah well, I like it anyway. Tsunade needs some more happy time, don't you agree?**

**Anywho, please review!**

**~Kaede**


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